Whirlwind....

Holy moley lately my life has been throwing me around like a rag doll, I feeling the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, I feel like things are so far out of my reach that I am just not capable of attaining them, and then it's like the hand of God reaches out and gives me something positive, or he answers a prayer. I feel like I am constantly battling with everything I am doing and being me isn't the way I should be. 

That thing that I always try to achieve is balance, I can fully and 100% admit I have none of that. If I focus my time on keeping my house looking clean, getting laundry done and cooking dinner every night for my daughter than I miss out on the other things like family and friends. I try to keep a happy balance between school, church, home and social life, but that doesn't work either. I have been working so hard on finding a way to heal from my past and grow through God to become the person he intended me to be. Is it weird that as I try to grow within myself that I am finding it harder to cope with the outside world, I am trying to be loving, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and have more self-control, but as I grow in these things I feel that I am continuously being attacked or brought down. 

Is my strength too powerful? Is my being content within myself intimidating? While I have made it my goal to give up the controls (of my life) and hand the wheel over to God, I find things more confusing than ever before. I shed tears daily for those that think I am against them. If only they knew my heart and what it is I wanted for them. If only they knew the love I felt for them, if only... If only... IF ONLY... I could go on for days but I wont. I don't want to. I will just keep praying that they will one day see my true heart. I will keep praying that who I am is good enough. I will pray that my love will keep growing. 

Wow what a bummer blog post so far... haha... I just needed a place to vent, a place for my thoughts to go, a place to let things go. I know that God has his hand on me and that all things will blow over soon enough. I know that at the beginning of anything it's hard to give up your control, but there will be brighter days and there will be happiness through the tears and heartache. I trust in Him and I put my life in his hands. He has done so much for me and I know he will continue to work through me. 

Ha a midday blog post, not like me to spout out on of those.


Through the storm I'm still feeling blessed!

N